Friday, 2 August 2013

KissMyFace Sunscreen Will Never Kiss My Face Again (After the Tubes I Just Bought Are All Used Up). I won't even let KMF KMA.

I recently went on a road trip to a much sunnier part of the province (which wasn't that much different in the amount of sun Home's been getting this year, but wow is 36C ever HOT, especially when humid. And I'm talking about degrees centigrade, not the cup size at a wet tee-shirt contest) and along the way I bought a "natural" sunscreen.

The result: well, let's just say that someday I might actually send in this letter:

Dear KissMyFace,

My search for a wonderful “natural” sunscreen, IE one that uses a physical (mineral) barrier rather than a chemical one, has not gone well.

I have small children, and I want to find something that will be safe for them to use for years to come.

I started out with Consumer Reports’ recommendation, and ordered some Eco. It all came expired. I’m talking, watery, cottage-cheezey grossness. I got my money back, but I needed something sooner rather than later, and the supplier had to wait for a new shipment, so on went my search.

Next I tried a local store which carries Green Beaver sunscreen. Let me just mention that Green Beaver could also be called Greasy Beaver. Oh god, that sounds awful. Maybe Green Butter would be better. Because, let me tell you, it’s like putting on butter, it’s so greasy. It works on the kids, though.

On a recent road trip, I left it at the place I was staying while out on a day excursion, so I stopped at a local store and bought the only sunscreen that they carried, KissMyFace. I picked some up for both my kids and for myself.

The first KMF sunscreen I tried out was the kid’s stuff. The application started out fine, but then holy cow, my kid looked like he had a really bad case of dandruff. Or maybe he was molting in a horrible fashion. Wow does that stuff ever flake up! It made me wonder, is it all rubbing off, or is that just excess balling up and I’m using too much? Maybe I’ll stick to the buttery Green Beaver on the baby so that nothing flakes into his eyes. . . .

Next, I applied the adult version, which, by the way, and since it’s your product, you should know, reads right on the tube: “Blends in Clear!” Whose opinion is that? That intern in your office who lurks behind the Ficas and looks like she’d actually fit in better in Forks, WA because she’s a vampire? Or maybe it’s the new guy in marketing who has a secret zombie fetish. Or maybe the clown that was at your six-year-olds’ birthday party used it and said that it was freaking awesome and that he couldn’t even notice it on.

Seriously, the only people who’d EVER think that KMF Sunscreen blends in clear, are the people whose skin is a pastier white than my glaring white ass. Like vampires, zombies and clowns, and maybe theatre people.

Oh sure, everyone wants to be a source of joy to people versus a bane, but now, until I can find something better I’m stuck being laughed at by all my friends. They laugh at me every time they see me. You know, they look at me, and laugh, and then they turn to redirect their wayward child, and then they turn back and look at me again, and laugh again, and then they walk by me on the way to the water and laugh at me some more.

So then I go into the water thinking that some of it will rinse off, and sure it does, but now it looks worse because it’s beaded up into tiny white balls, most of which have accumulated along the hairlines. You know, the actual hairline, and along my eyebrows, so I kind of look, well, I’d fucking laugh at me if I were someone else and I saw me looking like a total idiot who got “pied” and didn’t quite get it all wiped off.

Anyway, I could go on and on, but it sounds like the kids are actually asleep enough for me to go to bed, so I’ll cut it off here.

I’ll just say that I will NEVER buy KMF sunscreen again. Ever. I’ll take the Buttery Greasy Green Beaver over the Flakey Pasty KissMyFace. It has a higher zinc content anyway (and I think worked better anyway), and no titanium dioxide, which might be your problem with the ghost effect your product has.

No wonder it was on sale.


A Person who won’t even let KMF KMA.

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