Friday, 30 August 2013

How Do You Have Sex after Kids?

(And, your mom lives in the basement. And, she shares your kitchen.)

Answer: With Great Difficulty!

(Language Warning)

Is this a topic that people are too afraid to talk about? There just isn’t much to find online. It’s not like I’m looking for details or anything. Just ideas. Really. That’s all!

This is usually how it goes for us (some background info: Hubby works at 4am so is up at 3; I haven’t gone back to work yet, but kid #2 doesn’t quite sleep through the night yet…):


It’s 8pm, and the kids are actually in bed. Oh, wait, baby peed. Change his diaper. Give him some more bottle, and when he’s back to sleep, put him back to bed. It’s 8:30 or 9:00.

Me: Wanna have sex?
Hubby: (looking exhausted and slightly comatose) You probably need to sleep.
Me: Apparently I look exhausted and comatose, too, and maybe I’ve been a bit cranky. But I want to.
H: Uh huh.
M: No, really, I do. I want you to fuck me. Just lube me and do me. It’ll feel really good!
Hubby then answers with either an “Okay”, or he tells me yet again that I need some sleep and then proceeds to snore.


Sometimes the kids are at daycare for the afternoon, and when Hubby gets home after lunch, my mom isn’t home:

Me: You wanna get frisky?
Hubby: Okay. When does your mom get home?
Me: I don’t know. We might have half an hour. We might have three.
H: K. I just have to wash up.

This is usually followed by either a quickie, or some actual love-making. Usually it’s the former. And, more often than not, we’re just getting going/I’m about to get loud, and my mom drives up. Now we have to finish quickly and quietly, and hope that she thinks we’re napping.

Yeah, we try to nap as much as possible. (It helps with the comatose thing.)


Sometimes on Hubby's days off we try to get jiggy in the morning before the kids wake up. Or, before my mom comes up to make her breakfast (we really need to get a kitchen put in downstairs).

This usually starts out with good intentions, but sometimes ends up with me “napping" solo for a while after Daddy gets up (he had time to finish) to deal with morning potty breaks, wet diapers, and Cheerios.


I do have to admit that Sex After Kids has been more possible lately, but it can still be tricky trying to find some alone time where you have enough time and enough privacy—and enough energy—to get the job done with great satisfaction. “Satisfaction” is a relative term. Sometimes “satisfaction” means a good, hard, fast quickie, and sometimes you’re so tired that an hour of effort on everybody’s part produces only a mediocre result, and you wouldn’t normally call that satisfied, but at this point, it’s been a while, and you got some, so you’ll take it.


And then try again the next time the house is empty/everyone else is asleep.


How do you find the opportunity for some good alone-time?

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