I watched the season premiere of "The Big Bang Theory" last night.
Howard's been rubbing high-estrogen cream on his mother's back for weeks, and he hasn't been wearing gloves. He gets a little emotional. He becomes the Comedic-Stereotypical-Female; you know the one: she listens to, and believes her, own bullshit as told to her by the Scared Little Bitch inside of her.
As Bernadette tells him that the cream absorption is why he's been "bloated, and moody, and a giant pain in the ass", and he hugs a pillow to himself while responding that he feels "so stupid. And fat," I couldn't help but think of how women not only Believe Their Own Bullshit, but we all believe some of the same bullshit.
So then I got to thinking, is it, then, Our Own Bullshit? Or is it everyone else's bullshit, and we're just following along with it because that's easier than Believing in Ourselves?
It then got me thinking about how a local drugstore used to stock women's magazines--you know, the ones with all the skinny/fit, hot, beautiful women who've been airbrushed to death on the covers--right across the aisle from the chocolate. It was like they knew that you'd look at these unattainable ideals, feel like shit about yourself, and then sooth your soul with boxes of Lindt truffles.
Then my thoughts went back to, Whose bullshit is this, anyway? There are lots of days where I feel like Howard; I just want to cuddle up on the couch with a pillow and a soft blanket, eat chocolate, and read a book so that I don't have to think about how fat and stupid I feel. Do I feel that way because "Cosmo" is telling me to?
I don't buy those magazines because I know that I'll never be 5'10", 110 pounds, and I don't want to try to kill myself (literally) to try and be that. I also know that I don't need to wear hundreds of dollars worth of makeup to make me attractive. Just because I don't feel attractive doesn't mean I'm not hot and sexy. Just ask my husband's penis.
I feel that way because of how I see myself in the mirror. Rather, it's how my SLB sees herself in the mirror. My Confident Believer sees my nice smile and beautiful hair, and I just need to teach myself how to listen to her more often than I do to the SLB.
My hope is that one day the SLB will be silent.
Then the show went on, and I was wonderfully distracted by the scene where Howard and Raj felt each other up. It was still a scene that was full of Our Own Bullshit, but I laughed so hard I missed some of it for the tears in my eyes. I've just watched it a second time. I'll have to watch it again.
Because these two scenes alone can show us how much bullshit about ourselves we believe, and how utterly ridiculous that is, and then we can laugh it all away and start fresh, and start believing the Truth about ourselves.