P0rn vs Spicy Books

 Language warning.

I've seen the odd post about some old fogey or two somewhere wanting to ban spicy books because they're thought of as porn, because porn is bad (and we all know without a shadow of a doubt that those old fogeys have never watched porn in their entire lives), and how dare women get in the mood without their husbands.

This got me thinking, just what is the difference between Porn and Spicy Books? 

Porn:

Dude: whoa, hey, I, uh, have a pizza? For this address?

Hot Woman: Oh, hey, yeah, why don't you come on in?

Dude Comes. On. In. 

Obligatory hot sex scene on a counter.

Obligatory anal sex scene.

Obligatory two girls one guy sex scene.

Optional boob sex scene.

Obligatory sex on a bed, but not in a position that looks remotely comfortable.

Obligatory blow job scene.

Obligatory someone else is watching the sex scene.

Not necessarily in that order. No story line. Just some random reasons to have sex. If you're lucky, you'll come across a sex scene where both participants look like they're having fun.

And if you're really lucky, the sex will be graphic. If you're stuck in a remote camp with limited satellite porn options, you might have to watch some guy get a blow job while he holds his unbuttoned shirt out so that you can't see the cock in the mouth.

If I wanted to use my imagination, I'd read a spicy book.

Spicy Book:

Meet-cute chapter.

Flirty chapter-character 1's POV.

Flirty chapter-C2's POV.

Flirty let's go for dinner/coffee/camping chapter.

Oh my god he's so cute chapter.

Make out session chapter. Sometimes it's a sex chapter.

Oh my god why is someone that hot into me chapter.

Self doubt chapter #2.

Do stuff together chapter.

Ohmygod she's so hot chapter.

Sex chapter.

Lack of communication chapter.

Almost break up chapter.

Almost sex chapter.

Miscommunication chapter. Or someone gets kidnapped. Or almost dies. Whatever it takes to bring about a big climax. Of the story.

Somebody saves the day / finally says whatever the fuck needed to be said in the Lack of Communication chapter.

Sex chapter.

Super sex chapter.

Stupid epilogue.

Of course, depending on the habanero pepper rating, you could have sex scenes sooner and more often, with more people (at the same time), with tails and/or tentacles, with ropes and whips, and with really creative positions.

What you definitely have is a story.

What's so wrong with spicy books?

Let's say that the porn is hot. Awesome. Chances are that unless dude's wife is watching with him, he's done at the end of the movie. Or the first scene. She misses out. Maybe. Maybe she dodges a mediocre bullet.

Spicy books, on the other hand, can be foreplay. They can rev you up and get your imagination going, and once that imagination is going, keep you hot until your partner is available.

Case in point: 

My husband likes some of the books that I read more than others. 

He has no idea what I'm reading. Just that I am good to go. 

Drumheller Day 5

Had a wonderfully lazy morning. Played cribbage on the giant board by the playground while the kids played.

Went to do the interpretive trail by the Royal Tyrell. Ended up climbing across the valley, up some ridges and to the top of a mound. K1 learned all about the prickly cacti. Jeans recommended!

I learned that some leafy looking plants actually have a million little invisible-until-they-stick-in-your-fingers spines. I got all but one out and guess who doesn't have tweezers? Oh! Will check first aid kit shortly.

Continued on hiking up a narrow crevice. Beautiful views of the valley. And of the trail that we're not on, tee hee.

Eventually got back to the museum and drove to the coal mine trail.  Instead of taking the actual trail we followed the less-beaten path up on to the fields above. Tip: Learned that it's easier to come down when K2 holds the back of my belt vs holding his hand.

Walked back down and literally walked the kids in to the ground on the way to the coal mine (turns out we could have driven to it), which is another half hour hike. Tomorrow. As it was even K1 put himself to bed, which is a miracle unto itself.

Made pasta, and the sauce was the best I ever had. Fried ground turkey, onions, garlic, and some kind of Newman's Own pasta sauce. So good! Possibly helped that I was very very hungry. . .

Debated the feasibility of campground sex again.

Drumheller Days 1-3 Continued

Day 2:

Leave Banff at a reasonable hour. Stop five times for bathroom breaks, including a complete bypassing of an actual rest area and instead pulling off on a freeway ramp.

The iPads are dead, so set the boys up for colouring. Listen to them scream at each other because they each have a fistful of pencils but K1 has the gold pencil crayon and therefore is BEING A MEANIE FOR NOT SHARING! Give back some partially charged iPads. Stop crying inside (me).

Get in to Drumheller for an early dinner. Set up camp. Grandpa takes the kids to the playground. Mom has a shower!

Go to bed. Fall asleep 2 hours later. For an hour.

Day 3:

Climb the BIGGEST dinosaur in the world! Go to the water park and the splash park. Climb the dinosaur again, but this time Daddy challenges you to do the stairs two at a time. You do it, and your quads do not thank you for it later. Ungrateful little bitches.

Roast potatoes and veggies and salmon in the coals. Best meal ever! (Except hubby wanted some sweet Tai chili sauce and didn't realize that I'd packed some. Oops.)

Kids learn the hard way that metal weiner roasting sticks get hot on the fire end. K1 has a nice cross-hatch pattern burned in to his finger, but that doesn't stop him from playing tag in the playground for an hour before bed.

Catch some marshmallows on fire. Shower while the kids fall asleep.
Debate the feasibility of campground sex.

BMBR (Smut Week 2): Surrender Part 5: Club Shadowlands (Masters of the Shadowlands 1) by Cherise Sinclair

Ahem.

I like the disclaimer by the author at the beginning of the story. It's a nice little warning about how BDSM should always be safe, sane and consensual, and how the love story in this story happens rather quickly, and that that shouldn't be the case between Dom and Sub in real life.

Girl's car goes into a ditch in a storm, and she ends up at a house in the middle of nowhere, which turns out to be, surprise, surprise, a private club where bondage etc is the name of the game.

The story was hot. Really freaking hot. I really really want the other books in the series (novellas, really), but I'm not sure that I can justify 4-5 bucks or more a pop. Some are eight! Seriously. I'm holding out for a box set.

To be honest, though, Hubby would not mind much if I spent money on more e-books that made me hot enough to jump him. His words, not mine, so as soon as my bank account can say yes, I probably will.

:D

BMBR (Smut Week 2): Surrender Part 4: Teasing Trent by M. Malone

Cute short story about a girl who seduces her big brother's best friend, and his honest, but futile, attempts at resistance. He'd do better against the Borg.

Bottom line: I was trying to be a good girl and not buy more books, but while I was checking the prices on the novels in this series (The Alexanders) ($3ish), I saw that book one is free at the moment. Downloaded!

Ahem. I'll let you know if it's any good.
Ahem again. It started out as a disappointment, but it got much better.  Bought book two...

BMBR (Smut Week): Surrender: Part 1: The Awakening by Erika Wilde

Holy Fucking Hot.

In volume 1 of The Marriage Diaries, empty-nester Jillian wants to spice things up with her ex-Navy SEAL, Dean. He's always been a little too considerate in the bedroom. She's tired of Vanilla, thank you very much. So she encourages him to act out their wildest fantasies. It's a little Fifty Shades but with a mature-relationship thing that totally works because the trust and love are already there. There's the visit-to-his-office scene, the bondage-in-the-living-room-with-his-tie-and-belt scene, an in-public scene, lots of teasing, and eventually she builds them a playroom in the basement.

There's just enough plot to move things along from one "scene" to the next, but maybe a bit too much self-reassurance (but that could be in one of the other six...), but the frank speech and hot sex more than make up for it.

I went and spent four bucks for the "boxed set" of the first 4 volumes. (It was still cheaper than 1.50 each for #'s 2-4.)

May I say again, Holy.Fucking.Hot. Some of the best foreplay ever. As in, it doesn't matter how tired I am, even just scrolling through bits of the first scene to remind myself of who the players are, I want to go jump my husband. Like right now.

BMBR (Smut Week): Surrender: 6 sizzling authors. Six ways to surrender. Part Prologue.

I was trolling for free books on Amazon (for Kindle), and I came across this little box of six sexy stories by six different authors. Some are sexier than others, all were decently written, and two led me on to more books by the same author. And I gladly paid for those other books. And my husband really didn't mind.

Since I'm too busy to go for all six here at once, I'm going to tackle them one at a time. Next post...

BMBR (Smut Week): Rachel Van Dyken

This week, and oh how I'm going to try to do a review a day, is all about Smut. Or, what I like to call foreplay. If it kills brain cells, reads like an eight grader who's failing her English class wrote it (see last post), or makes me groan (and not in a good way), it's not good Smut. If it's well written (but not over-written for it's genre), has some great tips that would make "Cosmo" blush, and makes me want to jump my husband at any point while I'm reading it, it's good Smut.

Here we go.

If it weren't for the fact that I inadvertently started with the third book in Rachel Van Dyken's Eagle Elite series (Elite, Elect, and Entice--I think that's the order) and so ended up paying for it and the first one, and therefore felt like I had to keep reading, Elite probably wouldn't have made it past the Sample Stage (these are on my Kindle).

All of these books are somewhat rife with (minor) grammatical errors and some continuity issues, both of which usually kill a book for me, now matter what the story is about.

And yet, I fucking devoured them. As in, I couldn't put them down. I was a bad, bad girl at work.

And, oh my goodness, as I was reading them I realized that they followed Jennifer Crusie's Sex Scene Rules. That's right, the sex scenes were pretty much only descriptive when they meant some sort of character or relationship development. At all other times they were implied. The former happened more than the latter, but hey, who am I to complain.

Holy shit. I did not see that coming. Not only did I not see it coming, I didn't see it when it jumped in front of me, waved its arms, and yelled "Ooga Booga!" really loudly. I didn't see it until the third book. Probably because I thought I was reading Erotica more than I was reading Romance. Turns out, it was Erotic Romance. And then when I saw it, I was stunned. I thought I was stupid. But then I just realized that I was distracted. By all the great sex (and not just in the book). And the story, actually. Which, weirdly enough, was written in such a way that even when there wasn't sex, it turned me on. As in, I was already good to go when I jumped my husband, and that happened often enough that I know that he won't mind my buying the next installment.

So yes, they are worth the 3-5 bucks per e-book.

Has it Really Been that Long??? Random Thoughts for June 4th 2014. BMBR: Smut

Really? May 8th was my last post? Seriously? WTF happened?

I knew I've been busy, but I didn't think I've been that busy.

(Looks down at her legs.)

Actually, that's a lot of hair... Maybe I have been that busy, because judging from the amount of hair that's on my legs, I have been super busy. To busy to shave, anyway. I have an amount of leg hair that's acceptable on tree planters, hippies from the Kootenays, and European Women. I was never a tree planter, I was too yuppy to be a hippy when I lived in the Kootenays (but I was too hippy for the yuppies, so guess how well I fit in there), and I was born in Canada to Canadian-born parents, so I can't really ride the European-Excuse wave.

And, it's been hot out lately, and I want to start wearing skirts to work, but let's face it, even Sasquatches would hand me a razor.

Okay, really, I don't care about hairy legs, and I think all women should feel comfortable enough with having hairy legs. Hair-free legs take less sunscreen, though.

I have been reading a lot. Of smut. Don't tell anyone. About the smut part.

Sure, you say. Too busy to shave your legs, but you can read smut. Uh huh. 

Okay, I have two kids who love to watch TreehouseTV, a husband who loves to watch hockey (It's fucking June. Playoffs should be over in March. I mean, it's hockey. If the ice has melted off of the ponds in the middle of Canada, hockey should be over. Or over by the end of March. I can give you til the end of March. But June? Come on), and two broken feet. Or something. I find out about the feet tomorrow.

So yay, I get to sit down on the couch for large portions of the day (or dose myself on great quantities of ibuprofen) so that I don't end up in excruciating pain, which means that the kids or the hubby hang with me, which means that they've picked the TV shows (otherwise it's Mommy do this and Mommy do that and all of that this-ing and that-ing equals Mommy being on her feet which doesn't really help the broken feet issue), which means that I surreptitiously hold my phone off to the side and read my Kindle.

And lately, I've been reading a lot of smut. My husband's not complaining.

BMBR: I've been reading Shana Galen and Mimi Jean Pamfiloff. Worth the ebook prices.

Read a Joanna Wylde novella called Be Careful What You Wish For, thank god, because it was okay, but I'm really glad I read that before committing myself to the expensive Reaper books that are waiting in Sample Land for me. I was excited for these books, but now, not so much. Maybe the writing got better by the time she wrote them. Sigh. Maybe I'll take one out of Sample Land. In the meantime, check out the cover of BCWYWF. You can judge this book by it's cover. I will allow it. I wish I had.

Did you know that Twizzlers come in rainbows? They make wonderful little caterpillar legs.

I made a caterpillar out of cupcakes for a birthday cake. So cute.

Huh. I've been sitting here for five minutes trying to think of another random thought, but I've actually been zoned out, so I guess my next random thought should be about bed. Or maybe checking out FB and seeing what the 18 messages/notifications are all about.

I bet at least ten of them are invitations to play FB games.

I'd rather shave my legs, thanks.

BMBR: Noelle Adams

I read A Baby for Easter on the weekend. It was about $3 on Kindle. Adams' books are usually in that range, and they're usually worth it. This one felt a bit short, and there isn't as much descriptive sex in it as there is in her other books, but maybe that's because the characters are blatantly religious in this one.

Baby still delivered a love story that had me falling in love right along with them, and it was great escapism (one of my dreams ended this weekend, so I'm in great need of escape), and I didn't lose any brain cells.

Bottom line: Adams won't kill your brain cells while you're reading her addictive love stories about triumph over miscommunication. It's pretty good foreplay, and the pricing isn't too bad. I've read most, and probably soon I will read all of her books.

Random Thoughts March 20, 2014

Did you really think that I was filling the water reservoir in the lunchroom Keurig so that you could make a cup of coffee? Really? Wait your turn.

Vincent does not get enough exercise time on Beauty and the Beast. And if someone could hide his exercise shirts, that would be great.

Does the "Terrible Twos" ever end? Because I think that there's some kind of Richter scale thing going on with the age, here. Maybe it's easier to be sassy when your vocabulary is bigger. . .

Wake up early for exercise, or for sexercise? Yeah, I picked that one, too.

Only three hundred more pages to go, and I can read other books!

Make "special surprise inside" cupcakes with your three-year-old, don't get upset about any mess that ensues, enjoy your time together, and then watch said child pick apart the cupcake to get at the chocolate egg inside. Throw out the actual cupcake.

Busy Mom Book Review (BMBR): Last Hit by Jessica Clare and Jen Frederick

(Okay, firstly, I've realized that since I'm not doing much for synopses in these BR's, I should at the very least give you a genre. So far they've all been some form of romance (smut, actually - for the most part they have had lots of sex in them). Bottom line: my husband was really happy with my level of amourousness that reading these books produced. And, I didn't lose any brain cells.)

All right, let's get to the BR, shall we?

Last Hit, which I came across via Frederick (see last review), is by far one of the most erotic books that I have ever read.

;)

That's right. This post is labelled "Sex after kids".

How Do You Have Sex after Kids?

(And, your mom lives in the basement. And, she shares your kitchen.)

Answer: With Great Difficulty!

(Language Warning)

Is this a topic that people are too afraid to talk about? There just isn’t much to find online. It’s not like I’m looking for details or anything. Just ideas. Really. That’s all!

This is usually how it goes for us (some background info: Hubby works at 4am so is up at 3; I haven’t gone back to work yet, but kid #2 doesn’t quite sleep through the night yet…):

It’s 8pm, and the kids are actually in bed. Oh, wait, baby peed. Change his diaper. Give him some more bottle, and when he’s back to sleep, put him back to bed. It’s 8:30 or 9:00.

Me: Wanna have sex?

Hubby: (looking exhausted and slightly comatose) You probably need to sleep.

Me: Apparently I look exhausted and comatose, too, and maybe I’ve been a bit cranky. But I want to.

H: Uh huh.

M: No, really, I do. I want you to fuck me. Just lube me and do me. It’ll feel really good!

Hubby then answers with either an “Okay”, or he tells me yet again that I need some sleep and then proceeds to snore.

Sometimes the kids are at daycare for the afternoon, and when Hubby gets home after lunch, my mom isn’t home:

Me: You wanna get frisky?

Hubby: Okay. When does your mom get home?

Me: I don’t know. We might have half an hour. We might have three.

H: K. I just have to wash up.

This is usually followed by either a quickie, or some actual love-making. Usually it’s the former. And, more often than not, we’re just getting going/I’m about to get loud, and my mom drives up. Now we have to finish quickly and quietly, and hope that she thinks we’re napping.

Yeah, we try to nap as much as possible. (It helps with the comatose thing.)

Sometimes on Hubby's days off we try to get jiggy in the morning before the kids wake up. Or, before my mom comes up to make her breakfast (we really need to get a kitchen put in downstairs).

This usually starts out with good intentions, but sometimes ends up with me “napping" solo for a while after Daddy gets up (he had time to finish) to deal with morning potty breaks, wet diapers, and Cheerios.

I do have to admit that Sex After Kids has been more possible lately, but it can still be tricky trying to find some alone time where you have enough time and enough privacy—and enough energy—to get the job done with great satisfaction. “Satisfaction” is a relative term. Sometimes “satisfaction” means a good, hard, fast quickie, and sometimes you’re so tired that an hour of effort on everybody’s part produces only a mediocre result, and you wouldn’t normally call that satisfied, but at this point, it’s been a while, and you got some, so you’ll take it.

And then try again the next time the house is empty/everyone else is asleep.

How do you find the opportunity for some good alone-time?